I have decided to add another category to my blog to catalog some of my more “excessive” emails that I have sent to people from time to time.

I wrote this one to my wife one day, after I got to work and had noticed the lunch she had packed me. (It was her turn that morning.)

Subject: Am I gaining weight?
..because you rationed the hell out of my animal crackers this morning.

I’m no animal crackers connoisseur, but I do know that yesterday, when I gave you a small Tupperware container, I filled it to the brim.

This? This isn’t even a ration of animal crackers, it’s the severed legs and dismembered heads of the animal cracker bin. The “pet cemetery” of animal crackers, if you will. This amount of animal crackers couldn’t form a union, or start their own colony. There are so few animal crackers in this bin, if they tried to start a religion, it would die out before it even started!

Am I gaining weight? Is this a message you’re trying to send to me? I would have been less offended if you had placed a small note inside the container that said; “suck air, fatty!”, and somehow that note punched me in the gut right as I had finished reading it.

You know, I can’t even call these things crackers, they’re crumbs. Animal crumbs. Which make them sound even less appetizing. We grabbed these things because they had less fat than Oreos, and you know I love me some Oreos. But instead, we got animal crackers, and I somehow have inherited a very small amount of animal crumbs. As if crumbs were the currency, and my father was a small pauper in a feudal town, where we were destined to never climb the hierarchy, and the only thing he could leave me on his deathbed was a modest amount of animal crackers, which we spent no time going through, but couldn’t bring ourselves to finish the crumbs, in order to preserve what little legacy he left on the world.

But that isn’t the goddamn case, Dad’s alive and well, he sold his first company and is doing well for himself, we’re both employed, and somehow, I managed to get a fraction of a Tupperware container filled with animal crackers!!!

Am I gaining weight?!

Love,
Michael

PS. We’re running out of mayo.